It turns out I am so good at so many things but apparently dating isn’t one of them. When I was younger, or rather when I started having feelings towards the other gender (ya pharaoh 😅), I made a vow to myself, that I would not loose myself to a man just because I loke him. I vowed that I would find love when I was all settled in life (which up to now I am not quite there yet). But it also turns out that life doesn’t go well with my plans because I did fall in live several times but in that while, none of them ended up to anything except a broken heart and a pool of tears. This didn’t make me resilient but rather rattled to fall for anyone. I made sure that anything that felt like it was going to smell like a commitment would be over even before the first date. Ghosting was kind of my thing.
A fee months ago, I met the most amazing man (cupid is a player too🤣). He is everything I would ever man in the man of dreams (which I rarely have these days). He is prayerful, resilient, hardworking, supportive, kind, generous, optimistic, happy, chivalrous. Sometimes I feel like I met the angel Gabriel in person. Don’t get me wrong, I know no one is this perfect and I also that he has his flaws and I will never deny that because that’s what makes him more perfect. They balance who he is. But unfortunately my heart is broken once again. Not because he broke it, but because we can be together. I told you cupid is a player. But this man isn’t, and that’s hella sexy.
I know what you mist be thinking 🤔. Why can’t we be together. Well, your answer is around the corner, coz I feel like I am tgereason we are where we are. One day, before I could differentiate my feelings for him and reality, he already knew what he felt, and he asked me a trick question. If you had 2 people in your life, one your gal and the other, just a person you are really interested in and are fast falling for because all your qualities match and everything you want she has, whom would you choose? And i wanted to tell him the latter, but I know that he is not the kind of person who goes around heartbreaking women coz he found someone better. He is a gentleman, an old soul with a beautiful heart. So me being the prayerful and Godly woman that I am, I told him that he chose his girlfriend for a reason, and I gave him all the reasons to stay and deep down he felt it too. And for a second, I was fine, I didn’t think about it much. Until one day, we had a deep conversation one night past midnight ( hii si booty call) and he told me so much about how he felt.
And now we are here, we are still friends but most days it breaks my heart. Most days I want to hold his hand and stare in to those beautiful sundowner eyes and get lost there. But I can’t do that, I have to hold myself back. Sometimes it hard not to get in those long arms and that height but what can a girl do…..🤷♀️. It is pointless what you are thinking coz no one is a cheater between us, and we have to be who we are first before thinking of what we want. This is a story with an unhappy ending but we have to accept that.
I got to find a distraction, something worth doing or thinking about instead of these feelings 😔. But mostly, I need to be the girl I have always been, soft heart but walled in heart, otherwise I have to fly away like a bird in winter, no trees to perch on and no ending in sight
Love,
A girl with a broken heart
IN MY MIND 