Saturdays are possibly the worst day to go to work. Can you imagine sitting in the office a whole morning doing absolutely nothing 😫. It is exhausting. When I wake up on a Saturday and think to myself about the things I will be doing that day in the office, I have a small light bulb that keeps going on and off coz am not exactly sure how I am going to handle the day. I like that there are people I look forward to seeing once am there but we can’t be chatty the whole time.

Sometimes I get there and start feeling sleepy 😴🥱…see you guys after my nap

It turns out I am so good at so many things but apparently dating isn’t one of them. When I was younger, or rather when I started having feelings towards the other gender (ya pharaoh 😅), I made a vow to myself, that I would not loose myself to a man just because I loke him. I vowed that I would find love when I was all settled in life (which up to now I am not quite there yet). But it also turns out that life doesn’t go well with my plans because I did fall in live several times but in that while, none of them ended up to anything except a broken heart and a pool of tears. This didn’t make me resilient but rather rattled to fall for anyone. I made sure that anything that felt like it was going to smell like a commitment would be over even before the first date. Ghosting was kind of my thing.

A fee months ago, I met the most amazing man (cupid is a player too🤣). He is everything I would ever man in the man of dreams (which I rarely have these days). He is prayerful, resilient, hardworking, supportive, kind, generous, optimistic, happy, chivalrous. Sometimes I feel like I met the angel Gabriel in person. Don’t get me wrong, I know no one is this perfect and I also that he has his flaws and I will never deny that because that’s what makes him more perfect. They balance who he is. But unfortunately my heart is broken once again. Not because he broke it, but because we can be together. I told you cupid is a player. But this man isn’t, and that’s hella sexy.

I know what you mist be thinking 🤔. Why can’t we be together. Well, your answer is around the corner, coz I feel like I am tgereason we are where we are. One day, before I could differentiate my feelings for him and reality, he already knew what he felt, and he asked me a trick question. If you had 2 people in your life, one your gal and the other, just a person you are really interested in and are fast falling for because all your qualities match and everything you want she has, whom would you choose? And i wanted to tell him the latter, but I know that he is not the kind of person who goes around heartbreaking women coz he found someone better. He is a gentleman, an old soul with a beautiful heart. So me being the prayerful and Godly woman that I am, I told him that he chose his girlfriend for a reason, and I gave him all the reasons to stay and deep down he felt it too. And for a second, I was fine, I didn’t think about it much. Until one day, we had a deep conversation one night past midnight ( hii si booty call) and he told me so much about how he felt.

And now we are here, we are still friends but most days it breaks my heart. Most days I want to hold his hand and stare in to those beautiful sundowner eyes and get lost there. But I can’t do that, I have to hold myself back. Sometimes it hard not to get in those long arms and that height but what can a girl do…..🤷‍♀️. It is pointless what you are thinking coz no one is a cheater between us, and we have to be who we are first before thinking of what we want. This is a story with an unhappy ending but we have to accept that.

I got to find a distraction, something worth doing or thinking about instead of these feelings 😔. But mostly, I need to be the girl I have always been, soft heart but walled in heart, otherwise I have to fly away like a bird in winter, no trees to perch on and no ending in sight

Love,

A girl with a broken heart

Life is how you make it. Nothing is so hard for us to achieve and neither is it simple. God has laid on our feet/ hands all the things we want. We see opportunities and we seize them and let others pass since we think we are not good enough. God did not create us as good enough, he created us in His own image and likeness. To you what does this mean? For me, i believe being in His own Image and likeness means that i am a perfection of God. I have the wisdom, the knowledge, the beauty, the understanding, the love, the kindness, the care of God, only if i believe it. God never created us at one point to suffer. Yes, suffering comes but how we choose to come out of it, is totally our decision, it is totally in our hands.

Recently, a very close friend of mine has been g through a lot of downs. He recently lost his job, his girlfriend, his life is not on the path that he would have wished it to be on. I have listened to him complain and blame God for all the bad things going on in his life. At one point he was really at it and all i could do was to squirm. I felt that my soul and heart were saying “no, you know this is not true, it is not God doing all this”. But he kept asking in return “if not God, then who?” i hate seeing my closest friends in pain. The way his beautiful brown eyes light up when he is happy, all was gone and replaced by pain, sorrow, grief and worry.

James 1:13-14
Let no man say when he is tempted, I am tempted of God: for God cannot be tempted with evil, neither tempts he any man: But every man is tempted, when he is drawn away of his own lust, and enticed. The word of God clearly states that temptation is not from God, but from our own lust, Temptations are brought about by the longings of the flesh and not the spirit. Don’t do it for scripture declares that God tempts no one. As humans, we are tempted to sin when we are drawn away by our own desires. Yes, it is true that God test us but He does not tempt us to Sin. like with Abram and Isaac, He tempted him to sacrifice his only son but at no point did He let him commit murder.

One bible warrior that helps me stand strong, even when i am going through the worst of things in life is Job. Job lost everything; his children, his flock, his wealth, his name, his beauty but at no point did He blame God for what he was going through. His friends, his wife all told him to abandon God, to leave the God who was making him go through so much pain. Do you know what job’s response was? Job 1:20-21- Then Job stood up, tore his robe, and shaved his head. He fell to the ground and worshiped. 21 He said, “Naked I came from my mother’s womb and naked will I return there.The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.”Job 13:15a-Though he slay me, yet will I trust in Him. What a beautiful response. A response from a true son of God.

Many are the times we fall in to sin knowing how wrong something is but still we hide behind God and assume that it is will. Never has it been the will of God for us to do something sinful and when it backfires we play the blame game. God is all knowing, an omnipresent, Omnipotent God. He shows you the outcome of a situation even before it happens, He makes you aware of things that are wrong and things that are right. He has given us he freedom of choice, so free that even when we choose to do the wrong thing, He never abandons us. He lets us walk in to darkness until we are ready to allow His will for us. God lets us have a choice, and unless we choose to walk with Him, he can’t make that choice for us.God has already chosen us in any case, all He waits for, is for Us to choose Him.

Be mindful of the questions you ask God when in anger.Romans 9:20 Who do you think you are to talk back to God like that? Can an object that was made say to its maker, “Why did you make me like this?” Be the person God expects you to be Galatians 6:5 Assume your own responsibility. Shine even in the darkest tribulations because Jesus is your strength. Be full of wisdom and Joy when everything else is troubling you. Resist the wickedness of the flesh, and adhere to voice of the holy spirit. The bible says that the holy spirit is a gentleman. He will not force Himself into your life in His fullness uninvited. He will fill you, but only if you ask Him to do so. In Luke 11:13, Jesus promises that God will give the Holy Spirit to those who ask Him. And James 4:2 tells us that the reason we do not have certain things is that we do not ask for them. You are okay when you are alone, but with God, you a like a mountain, not even the biggest earthquakes or worst storms can break you down.

Just remember that 1 Corinthians 10:13 No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.

1 Thessalonians 5:18 “Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

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Rain! Again on a Thursday evening! I can’t believe this! I thought since the skies had been so dark and gloomy, it would rain way earlier that five in the evening. Apparently I was wrong. I can’t really tell exactly why this always happens when I try to play dress up. Light floral dress, a black coat and some black doll shoes that I really love. Well, I am always in trousers and heavy trench coat especially in this cold weather so this is me playing dress up. I have had enough of pneumonia shots and flu every now and then, so I dress warm not daring to please anyone.

Well, at least I have an umbrella in my bag, best part of this day. So I alight from one mat and head on to look out for another one at the bus stop. I hate stepping on this grey or is it black dirty water on the potholes on the road. It feels disgusting even if I am wearing shoes. Sometimes it looks as though the sewage leaked or overflowed when it was raining and it even feels worse thinking about it.

Finally, I am at the bus stop and there she is. She looks so gorgeous, all that graffiti, the beautiful horns on top ( like batman) and those hooting sounds that don’t sound like noise but like some kind of music that plays on a descending note….😋. I think am in love. I just walk straight not noticing the potholes or the hooting of the buses behind me or the sound of the rain as it hits on my umbrella.

Finally I get to her door and as I close the umbrella, I can hear soft music playing in the background. The conductor is a gentleman and offers a hand with the umbrella. Damn!! This guy is hot!! Those dreads, and dimples……😋topic for another day.

I step in and wow! The beauty of her from inside is just breathtaking. The ambiance, the seats….I want to live here forever. I slowly choose my favorite seat at the middle by a window overlooking the giant thika superhighway. Am delighted that today she was not late or maybe I was just on time or maybe it was by sheer luck.

I seat quietly as I take in her beauty. I  don’t even recognize when she is finally full and with a loud queen like announcement she noisely but queenly commanding respect and admiration at the same time slowly roll out of the bus stop. Despite the rain, she is warm and you can only notice the rain droplets on her magically tinted windows as she magestically rolls down on our way home.

By now, the well refined choice of music has been tuned a notch higher, am silently enjoying and I think to myself…..”this the perfect environment for my writing..”

Sometimes you don’t have to sleep to dream coz some dreams are like visions. But most of the horrible dreams happen when you are wide awake. Like losing your man, losing your job, losing someone you really love to death or finding yourself in a situation you never expected. Dreams can be amusing and perfect as well. Like when you dream taking your man home or when you dream being insanely rich or sometimes having the perfect wedding.

We all want a dream that will make us smile and that will help our hopes go up again and we feel so motivated to make that dream happen. It’s no wonder we all filled with hopes for a better day, a better pay, a perfect wife or husband, a perfect home. We all want our dreams to come true sometime so that we know that we are surely living right.

“You say I am loved when I can’t feel a thing, you say I am strong when I think I am weak, you say am whole, when am falling short and when I don’t belong, Lord you say I am yours…and i believe…what you say to me, I believe…and I believe”

These are my favorite lyrics every morning I wake up. Every dream I have is achievable coz I believe. I have a Father to make it happen. I only need to believe every word He says. Sometimes I am falling short of the hope, of His grace but all this while, I only need to reach deep within me coz I none of them is insufficient, all I need is a prayer.

Today I am not writing  stories, I want to encourage you. You are stronger than you think, you have every power to make your dreams happen. You have A mighty man of war waiting for you to ask for His help, don’t disappoint Him. He is always listening, always ready and always providing for your needs.

Your good dreams are his priority. I bet we all have read Jer 29:11 to 14. To him tribe, race, colour, age, height, weight are all insignificant to Him. He made you in His own image so He knows who you are and what you look like.God looks at Hearts not bodies or physical appearances. He doesn’t discriminate and He never lies. Numbers 23:19, God is not a man that He should lie, and the truth is you can bank Your money on that statement.

Sometimes I am disappointed at how fast people lose faith, when clearly His word says that His promises are Yes and Amen 2nd Corinthians 1:20. What more do you want if God who is just a prayer away is not enough?? Make it a habit to pray even for the smallest of things. The power is in your words.

Dream, Pray, believe and trust in The Lord then work towards your dreams.

Just remember Proverbs 10:22 “The blessings of the Lord maketh rich and addeth no sorrow”

It has been a culture in Kenya where flashy matatus, with bombastic music and calligraphic bodies containing artistic photos of popular Kenyan musicians and comedians and widely known movies like GoT and the flash are loved and quickly fill up with young souls, most the campus age with baby locks and shaggy hair. In such a crowd, you often look so old and outdated if you are above 25 years. The girls in this crowd look like a ice-cream cone on a hot afternoon coz they are all shiny with blue lipstick, you would think someone mistook their lips for a wall in their house..damn!!!The dudes, as they like to be called, have witty smiles, skinny jeans so tight you would think someone cut off their will to be men.

Am not in that matatu. I am riding home in this old fashioned and very quiet matatu full of old people( not so old, around 26 to 30 year) The ambiance is very hospitable. i can watch a movie, sleep a little or day dream. Wait…..is that a Beard!!!!!

It is 1830, stranded in traffic but am delighted. On the next bus, there is this guy, with a beautifully shaped beard you would think he sleeps while sitting or perhaps he never sleeps. Somehow he reminds me of my Ex’s beard but redefined. Why doesn’t my hair look so perfect?? how much money does this guy spend on this beard?? Does he have special oil for it?? How does he even eat?? I wish i could ask him all these questions but i cant. I am bit shy sometimes and i know i cant construct a full sentence without stammering if he was next to me. i look at the shirt he is wearing, classic, very clean and bold.

A child emerges from nowhere and he hugs her so tight and kisses her cheek and she starts playing with his beard. “Damn girl, just leave that alone” I tell the little one in my mind.then i notice her waving at me from the other matatu and i am obliged to wave back. she struggles to open the window and the bearded guys effortlessly does it for her.

she chatters through the traffic noise (through the window)

girl: aunt sasa? (hi aunt)

me: Poa sana. (Am good)

girl: nikuje apo?? daddy, ona auntie mrembo kwa ile gari. (can i come to you? daddy, look at that pretty auntie..)

damn….am embarrassed. what am i going to say.

bearded dad: hi, sorry abt my daughter. she loves to talk to pretty girls.

did he just call me pretty in-front of his daughter and possibly his wife? no way this can end well

me: hi, it is okay. she is really pretty.

bearded dad: thank you. i saw you looking at my beard, you like it??

no he did not. was i staring? but i was careful

me: oh! it is beautiful.

bearded dad: i try to keep it neat but this little bundle here seems to love it messy. how do you like it??

finally the traffic moves, and our matatu speeds off past theirs, all i can see is the daughter waving. i sigh and thank the heavens i didn’t have to answer that question. i am not even in to guys with beards only that this was extra ordinary.

“mrembo, pesa apo” the conductor’s voice finally brings me back to reality.

We all fall in love sometimes. It is inevitable. Experts say that you fall in love once, and if you are lucky, twice. Well, I defer. Why? Are those experts in my heart? I bet they don’t even have an understanding of how I love of what kind of character I fall in love with. Lately, I have learnt of not trusting the experts, but rather creating my own path, going on my own journey and perhaps the experts can write about my experience.

We all have a liking for young couples walking in the streets holding hands,smiling, buying flowers being all in love but we forget about our parents and grandparents. Today I was inspired by  one old but very beautiful couple. By the look of things, these two have all grown up kids, no mortgage, no school fees and not as much bills to pay as they used to pay in their thirties. They look just happy and blissful. I am never a stalker but on this one I had to be. This couple walk hand in hand talking in low tones and finally get to a restaurant, I still can’t believe am doing this. They sit at a table across to mine, and since its  a cold evening, all cloudy and cold winds blowing, I order the mluhya chai (this kind of tea is assumed to be very hot in kenya) and chapati. Well, its not my usual cup of tea. This one is large and not usual melamine but large and metal and painted blue….😋this is Kenya and i adore it.

I sip my tea slowly as I continue to watch “my couple”. Now I can hear their conversation and its pretty amazing. I can’t help it but smile deep inside.

Wife: Unajua(you know) I like it when you take me out like this. It reminds me of when you used to sneak me out from home and we would go eat mandazi and chai kwa mburu (at mburu’s place)

Husband: (laughs) nakumbuka(I remember) hiyo wakati ulikuwa (that time you were) very playful really slim. We had good times

Wife: unakumbuka ile siku  kulinyesha(do you remember that day it rained) and you had to take me home?? (Laughs)

Husband: (laughs) eeh, (yes) we were so wet! Your mother almost beat us both. Unakumbuka vile tulifungiwa kwa nyumba ya mbuzi coz she thought ulikuwa na ball yangu?! (you remember how your mom locked us in a goats’ pen coz she thought you were pregnant)

They both laugh so hard I am also laughing under the table now

Guys! My tea is finished! Its sometime to seven in the evening and its raining. I promise I didn’t even hear when the rain began. I decide to walk out briskly and pretend I was not in the middle of this couple’s conversation.

I am moved, so challenged by this couple that I want to be the man and the woman at the same time and have this kind of a relationship. I am left wondering how such relationships are made. Well, my relationship is great but I pray to get to such a deep memorable time. Am happy they are happy. I hope that our children and the generations to come will have mentors like these. Just to show them what true love really means.

I think it would be right to say that almost every person in our today’s world has watched at least one fiction movie. Personally, I am a lover of the fiction world. The flash, supernaturals, GoT (was not a fan till recently) marvel movies…name them. I have a tendency of doing my chores on Friday evening so that i can lie on the coach all day long on Saturday and enjoy one the good movies or a latest episode i happened to down late in the evening before i leave work.

I am very awed by the imaginary side of the directors and script writers of these movies and sometimes am left wondering, how did Greg Berlanti of the flash, and his colleagues came up with the time continuum or the time loop and the the speed force, oh! and my favorite, the multi-verse. It is just so imaginary of someone just creating the impossible.

Has any of you seen supernaturals?? Well, I would tell you to but also not to. Stop asking why coz I will tell you anyway. When I started watching this show back in the day, i was in campus then, i watched five seasons back to back, eating take outs, showering for 5 minutes, not attending lectures(i hope mom will not see this), no sleeping, just enjoying the flow. Lately, the show has totally taken a different turn. It is still one of my favorite shows, but the level at which you can predict the events of the next episode is 10/10. I loved the originality of the show at the beginning, no copy of characters, original creativity, pure magic from the show, but now, it has become another fiction show in the market. How on earth did we get a multiverse on this show, why did we change villains to good people?? There is no more scary stuff. I can’t tell you why i like the show anymore but i guess I guess i will add some of my own fictitious thoughts to the show come next season.

Well, i know we all make our very own fiction movies in our minds. Its okay, you creativity is perfect. if we didn’t have that, we would be living in such a boring world. You know, if it was possible, i would create my own little universe. Lots of Red berries and grapes, no snakes and bunnies, just chicken. My universe would have all four seasons at once but in different towns so that if i get tired of the cold, i move to the summer and sometimes i delight in the spring and the beauty of the scented flowers. oh! well, am still on earth….phew

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton

This is not a just for one but us all. We all have a different way of connecting and that is why we meet here. I love writing and reading, I watch movies and something to write just pops into my mind. And somehow, you are here coz what i write will make you smile and enlighten you. i hope i will not only be good company but awesome company.

A wise man, my dad, once told me: “listen, listen again, think then speak”. I will accept all comments, negative or positive. If a mango tree gives up due to people throwing stones at its ripe mangoes, surely we would never enjoy another season. So, just imagine I am a mango tree (or your favorite tree)